I review Virgin America’s in-flight video games
Alternatively, the text to all reviews could read, “The framerate is unbearable.”
Anagramarama (word puzzle)
This game does not recognize the words “coy,” “soy,” “duo,” “dim,” “vise,” “diva,” “dais,” “ides,” or “is.” It does, however, recognize “admixed” and “via.”
Doom (first-person shooter)
Boy, I wish I could plug a Goddamn mouse into this.
Primate Plunge (platformer)
This vertically-oriented platformer is surprisingly playable until it becomes all too apparent that, like its name suggests, its unendingly tedious levels consist entirely of a monkey falling.
Gem Drop X (color matching puzzle)
If Bejeweled and Bust a Move had sexual relations, this would be the resultant miscarriage.
Tower Toppler (”platformer”)
Every action I perform in the unbelievable pile of shit that is Tower Toppler (or Nebulous, depending on which title screen you believe) causes my character to die.
Circus Linux! (arcade)
Ungainly controls make this otherwise well-programmed Circus clone infuriating. Also, minus a billion for including the word “Linux” in the title.
Vecteroids (Asteroids clone)
If your system chugs during high-action moments of Asteroids, of all Goddamn things, that’s a sign your hardware has no business running games.
Penguin Command (Missile Command clone)
I am having trouble establishing any correlation between my interactions with the d-pad and the movement of my crosshairs.
Mad Bomber (arcade)
I was unable to make heads or tails of this game until I realized 1) I am not actually playing as the titular terrorist, and 2) the “left” and “right” controls are inexplicably swapped.
Rocks & Diamonds
I was cautiously optimistic about this seemingly full-featured Sokoban-esque puzzler until pressing every single button failed to cause my character to drop the dynamite he acquired in level 4.
Do’SSiZo’La (board game)
This insanely-titled game is like Bomberman, but turn-based. No, that’s not any more fun than it sounds.
Tags: airplanes, doom, reviews, via, virgin america
July 30th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Oh man, I laughed my ass off at this. My favorite is your description of Tower Toppler for obvious reasons.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:33 am
I look at the screen of this twentysomething woman in the row ahead of me and she is blasting away demons in Doom. A few minutes later, I look again and she is watching a Paris Hilton music video. About ten minutes later, I look again and she is watching a Madonna music video.
I have a hunch there is some significance here other than me thinking that Madonna’s new Botoxed look will make her a perfect terrifying fodder for Doom IV.
October 9th, 2008 at 8:23 am
I recently flew Virgin America. It’s pretty clear they just found some free Linux games to throw on their supposedly amazing and industry-leading in-flight entertainment console. The only title I found barely tolerable was a Shanghai clone I don’t see mentioned above. Also, while I’m at it, pink and purple running lights and vaguely hip electronic music does not a swank party make. It’s still just an airplane flight.